beer me

Imagine this: It’s nap time. Both the kids are actually asleep at the same time (for once) in the middle of the day. I’m pacing the livingroom trying to decided what I should do with this unprecedented alone time. Read… Watch a movie… Clean… Nap… Homework… Blog… Facebook… Shower… Call someone who cares. So many options and so little time. (I always have this problem when I catch myself with a minute alone. I just can’t decide.)

For a second, I contemplate yard work and glance outside to check the weather. Only I see someone at a dead stop, in the middle of the sidewalk, watching me. (A bit creepy, right?) His reaction when I caught him staring was to hurry along his way. My reaction was to laugh at first.  I don’t know, maybe I was picking my nose or doing something else weird. Then it hits me: he’s a dead ringer for the burglar from the Brinks commercial. (you know the one: mother and the daugher come inside from the backyard and they’re face to face with a burglar.) Better check the kids and lock the doors first.

With the kids sound asleep and the doors freshly locked, I settle on the couch for some time alone with my novel. Aside from a load of laundry drying in the garage, the house is completely quite. Until, I hear some kind of commotion in the bathroom.

My actual train of thought:
Holy Fuck! What was that?
It sounded like the shampoo bottles feel off the ledge in the shower. 
Wait: Why would they just randomly fall.  
The window’s open..must be windy.
HOLY FUCK! THE WINDOW IS OPEN. WHAT IF THAT CREEPY GUY IS BREAKING IN?

I went to check out the situation. One jump over the back of the couch and I’m in the hallway with the bathroom door only steps away. The door’s half closed and I’m creeping towards  it on my tippy-toes. My heart is beating hard and fast. I’m holding my breath while I strain to hear any sound coming from the bathroom.  But, everything is quite.

I’m on the verge of laughing at myself for being so crazy.  But, from my vantage point I can see a tiny sliver of the bathroom and a shadow passes over the porcelain. Holy FUCK! Someone is in the bathroom. I rush the door and it slams in my face. Then I’m groping for the door knob and trying to force the door open. I’m not really putting my weight into it yet but I can feel someone on the other side and it seemed as if they were.   

Then I hear the Danger-man’s sleepy little voice: “Nobody come in here…I need privacy.”

I laugh out of sheer relief but my hands are shaking. I stop trying to force the door and knock. The Danger-man flings it wide and he’s standing there in just a t-shirt. His undies and pants in a ball in front of the toilet. I scoop him up, kiss his face and say: “buddy, in the future can you make sure I know you’re awake. No more sneaking around okay. You scared Mama.”  

What did I learn for this experience? I have a bit of an over-active imagination and my instincts are shit. If there really was a prowler in the bathroom trying to keep me out, why- for the love of god- would I try to force the door open? Also, it might be time to rearrange the furniture so I can see the Danger-man when he decides to be stealthy. (Honestly, I should have known it was him all along; he loves to sneak around when he’s supposed to be sleeping.)

I’m gonna need some beer tonight. My nerves are shot.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “beer me

  1. Glad to know I’m not the only one who thinks EVERY passerby is the Brinks Burglar. My fiance has told me I am no longer allowed to carry mace. The whole neighborhood would get a squirt to the eye 🙂

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