Tag Archives: sillyness

adventures in grocery shopping

My car has needed some repairs for quite some time. Something about gaskets. Or, radiators maybe. Those things are in cars, I think. Not my forte. Or Eric’s, for that matter. I’ll just say it needed a major repair, we wouldn’t/couldn’t/shouldn’t do it, and a giant repair bill fell far below things like rent, utilities, groceries and textbooks on our lists of priorities so the repairs were put on the back burner for a while. (This life as a stay at home mom/college student is not without its sacrifices.) Apparently, it was still driveable but, I worry too much for that.  I’d be lying if I said, I wasn’t bummed that I couldn’t drive it but, we got by easily enough as a one car family before the Pea arrived. Honestly, working with one car again wasn’t so terrible; especially, since  the rose city has an amazing public transportation system that I truly don’t mind using. (It’s so funny how much of a treat kids think it is to ride the city bus, but I digress). 

The time without a car of my own, actually made me second guess the whole 2nd car thing. Again. I mean, with the price of gas it took us a while to come to the conclusion that we needed two car’s in the first place. It wasn’t until I became a SAHM, the Danger-man had preschool or mid-day playdates, and we had another infant that we finally bit the bullet.  I’m thinking the next time a major repair comes up I’ll convince Eric I need one of these instead:

Seriously, I need one.

Of course, I’ll invest in some helmets too.  But again, I digress. And, I’ve learned that I only really need a car for is grocery shopping. We do live with-in walking distance of two grocery stores.  There’s just no way I’m walking to the store with two kids in tow just to lug some groceries back in this perpetual rain.  The only problem is: Eric’s dream car, our 1970 VW bus is a little emotional. She (er, I mean it) acts like a scorned lover whenever I’m behind the wheel.  So, for the past few months our grocery shopping has either been done by Eric or as a family. And, it’s nice having a chauffeur. (I kid.)

Now, my car is finally fixed. (Hallelujah!–is that blasphemy? And, I’m not even going to mention how much it set us back because it’s downright depressing.) So, today I decided to do a practice run at the grocery store sans husband. We didn’t need much, just enough to let me test the waters and get back in the swing of things. I’ve mentioned I’m a worrier, right? And slightly insane? To me grocery stores are littered with kidnappers. Even the little old ladies who want to fawn all over babies seem unsafe. With Eric around, I allow myself to relax my white knuckle grip on the cart. I even allow the Danger-man to frolic around near us rather than cooped up in the cart with groceries piled on top of him. I let older gentlemen call my son sport and my daughter sweetie whilst their wives pinch their cubby cheeks. You know, rather than trying to ram them out of the way with my shopping cart while screaming “stranger danger”. I’m not normally this bat shit crazy when I take my two anywhere else sans the hubs. I think it’s just the distractions that come along with grocery shopping. You know: comparing prices, reading lists, forgetting things… 

Okay, back to today. The kids were seated in their rightful place- in the cart. I glided through the store, surprisingly not as worried about kidnappers (maybe Eric’s rubbing off on me). I still didn’t let go of the cart once. (Babysteps.) I asked the Danger-man what else we need to make egg salad sandwiches. And he replied: “Well, let’s see. We have eggs, bread, and veganaise. So we need mustard, salt and pepper.” I’m still marveling at his response because we had not discussed a list. At all. And he nailed all the ingredients.  Plus, I’ve forgotten to buy salt for a month now and he remind me that we need it. And a woman, with a basket full of kids of her own, standing nearby complimented him on his sheer brilliance. 

Fast forward to the 3 of us looking at herbs for the garden. We had already gotten everything on our list, things were going well (by this I mean nobody tried to pluck my kids out of the cart and stroll off with them), and at this point we were just browsing.  The Danger-man spotted the hummingbird feeders and started to throw a fit because, apparently, he needs one. And, the Pea, usually one to follow her brothers lead, started fussing as well. The same woman from earlier walks by and said: “I knew they weren’t as perfect as they seemed.” Call me crazy but, I still kind of think this was a compliment. I mean, even as their mother, I know they’re certainly are not a perfect as they seem. But still, you think they seemed perfect? Unintentionally or not, that comment totally made my day.

Then the cashier tried to kill my high. She rang up all our junk, moved the rubber divider, and kept on going. When I said something to stop her she scolded me for not using the divider. You know, the one she had to move in order to get to that box of eclairs that we’re most certainly not mine (but, I kinda wish I at least claimed those). Rather than getting mad and defensive I just thought of my [seemingly] perfect kids. See, totally made my day.

And, the best part? Now that my car is fixed we can spend more family time like so:

rather than on aisle 6.

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weekly funnies [part 5]

After telling me about his girlfriends:
“I love them SO MUCH I just want to kiss them! I can’t stop kissing them.”

He has a knack for making up knock knock jokes:
“Jamaica… Jamaica me crazy when I smile at you”
And: “Nacho…  Nacho Mama”

Watching the news about the tsunami in Japan:
“I have an idea, we should grab a sword and try to fight the water. There are lots of swords in Japan.”

New nickname for his sister:
Pancake babycakes.

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beer me

Imagine this: It’s nap time. Both the kids are actually asleep at the same time (for once) in the middle of the day. I’m pacing the livingroom trying to decided what I should do with this unprecedented alone time. Read… Watch a movie… Clean… Nap… Homework… Blog… Facebook… Shower… Call someone who cares. So many options and so little time. (I always have this problem when I catch myself with a minute alone. I just can’t decide.)

For a second, I contemplate yard work and glance outside to check the weather. Only I see someone at a dead stop, in the middle of the sidewalk, watching me. (A bit creepy, right?) His reaction when I caught him staring was to hurry along his way. My reaction was to laugh at first.  I don’t know, maybe I was picking my nose or doing something else weird. Then it hits me: he’s a dead ringer for the burglar from the Brinks commercial. (you know the one: mother and the daugher come inside from the backyard and they’re face to face with a burglar.) Better check the kids and lock the doors first.

With the kids sound asleep and the doors freshly locked, I settle on the couch for some time alone with my novel. Aside from a load of laundry drying in the garage, the house is completely quite. Until, I hear some kind of commotion in the bathroom.

My actual train of thought:
Holy Fuck! What was that?
It sounded like the shampoo bottles feel off the ledge in the shower. 
Wait: Why would they just randomly fall.  
The window’s open..must be windy.
HOLY FUCK! THE WINDOW IS OPEN. WHAT IF THAT CREEPY GUY IS BREAKING IN?

I went to check out the situation. One jump over the back of the couch and I’m in the hallway with the bathroom door only steps away. The door’s half closed and I’m creeping towards  it on my tippy-toes. My heart is beating hard and fast. I’m holding my breath while I strain to hear any sound coming from the bathroom.  But, everything is quite.

I’m on the verge of laughing at myself for being so crazy.  But, from my vantage point I can see a tiny sliver of the bathroom and a shadow passes over the porcelain. Holy FUCK! Someone is in the bathroom. I rush the door and it slams in my face. Then I’m groping for the door knob and trying to force the door open. I’m not really putting my weight into it yet but I can feel someone on the other side and it seemed as if they were.   

Then I hear the Danger-man’s sleepy little voice: “Nobody come in here…I need privacy.”

I laugh out of sheer relief but my hands are shaking. I stop trying to force the door and knock. The Danger-man flings it wide and he’s standing there in just a t-shirt. His undies and pants in a ball in front of the toilet. I scoop him up, kiss his face and say: “buddy, in the future can you make sure I know you’re awake. No more sneaking around okay. You scared Mama.”  

What did I learn for this experience? I have a bit of an over-active imagination and my instincts are shit. If there really was a prowler in the bathroom trying to keep me out, why- for the love of god- would I try to force the door open? Also, it might be time to rearrange the furniture so I can see the Danger-man when he decides to be stealthy. (Honestly, I should have known it was him all along; he loves to sneak around when he’s supposed to be sleeping.)

I’m gonna need some beer tonight. My nerves are shot.

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weekly funnies [part 4]

(Well, semi-weekly. I keep forgetting to write things down.) 

After telling me a story about preschool:
“it was so funny it broke my heart.”

After I said “please don’t tie your sisters tights in a knot while she’s wearing them”:
“But Mama..it’s not my fault. I don’t know how they got tied together.”

Right after the Pea’s birthday party:
“Her party was perfect! I knew it would be.”

The morning after the Pea’s birthday party:
“Why did the party have to stop?” Also: “I see you left the cupcakes out. That means we can have them in the morning time.”

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weekly funnies

You know, Bill Cosby was right.  Kids DO say the darndest things.

Most days the Danger-man cracks me up no less than 12 times with all the silly shit that comes out of his mouth. To which he consistently responds: “Why you laugh?” (That’s always the kicker for me. He genuinely has no idea what’s so funny.) Usually, I’ll  text the joke to the Hubs at work and vow that I’ll remember it forever.  (But, forever usually last about a week.)

 So, I think I’ll try to start a weekly post to round up all the silly things he says (and the Pea as she gets older). That way I’ll have them for posterity’s sake and maybe we’ll crack you up in the process.

“Mommy (the Pea) has a China” (say what?) “I have a penis and my sister has a China”

“I don’t want this banana, this one is all wiggle-ly. I want a straight banana.” (Sorry, they don’t usually grow straight) “ah, Mom”

“Mommy, let’s play house. You can be the Mommy, I’ll be the boy and (the Pea) can be the baby.” (okay–maybe that one is only funny to me because, well, in essence we play that everyday.)

In response to wearing  the leather jacket I found him at a vintage consignment store: “I guess, I’m a punk rocker.”  (As if it wasn’t funny enough that he calls it his  ‘Cry-baby’. You know, that movie with Johnny Depp.)

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